Hey...it's that day again.
It hasn't gotten any easier even though many people said it would. I couldn't sleep, even though I tried to go to bed over an hour ago.
This year is 14 years since you've been gone. Almost half my life so far.
Gideon is huge. I wish you'd have told me how all consuming my love for my kids would be. I know you showed me...it just constantly sinks more and more into my head. Even IF he pooped so much on himself Tuesday at church that I had to ask for a tub of soapy water to clean him while he repeated, "I'm sorry" Oh my sweet 2.5 year old.
You have a fourth grandchild coming...I'm April, the 4thish. We'll see. And this one is giving me a run for my money. Everyone says this one has to be a girl. I wonder what you would say. I can see you kissing their sweet faces and holding little hands as they reached up for you. Giggling at them and making funny faces and sounds like you still did when I was a teenager. Like in the photos. I can see you holding them, asleep on the couch snuggled up and just at so much peace.
I'm 30, almost 31...just like I was 16, almost 17... how did that happen? I can't have gone this many years...
Still madly in love with this crazy man...truly, he drives me absolutely batty sometimes. Then he bakes cookies with Aunt Tracy's recipe and makes me lemonade because I was craving it. You'd like him, you really would. He has a funny laugh, loud...and he's sassy and funny...you'd make so much fun of him. :)
I wish I'd had more times to talk about all the things I should know. Like pap smears and the awkward conversations you have with the person doing them. About losing a man you thought was forever...and how desperately women need other women. How I'd find a tribe all my own and how I'd need to cling to them. The love I have for my once very awkward body, even if it hasn't changed all that much. I never really understood your fashion sense when I was still ashamed of what my body looked like. I wear the weirdest stuff now. How the sound of my son's breathing changing could snap me out of any day dream. How absolutely crazy a pregnant woman can be...while still being so vulnerable it hurts. How really amazingly delicious any food can be if you're hungry enough. And the pride at having a place go from four walls to being a home.
How much I would miss you, achingly at times, and with a dull thud at others. There are days I find myself ready to pick up the phone and talk to you....only to realize that there isn't a phone company that can complete that call. Other times I just sit...and remember you. Your silly sideways face, or the laugh that could full and entire room. Your very soft, warm hugs...and cool, wet hands.
And please, don't take this the wrong way, however, I want to out live your time here. Though I don't know how or when I'll go, I try daily to be healthier, eat better, be stronger...for more time with my kids...because I miss you...and have missed you every day for 14 years. I want that time...and I want to give that time to our family...to my portio of your legacy...to what has been built...
You propel me forward in so many ways, for so many reasons...and I can't help but wish to reach back through time and grab your hand...as wet as it may be...to bring you here...to show it all to you.
I miss you. For the rest of my tomorrows.