God seems to talk to me at my worst. In the past two days I've been angry, hurt and felt burnt down. Never a good feeling. I didn't look at God and ask, "why me?" the way I normally would. Instead, I stewed in it. I ignored it. I even took it out on friends and B. It's been...bad. God brings me back to Him, reminding me of the character He's building in me, the fires I HAVE to go through. If I ask for Him to change me, don't I have to go through the things that will make that change happen?
Today the devotion centers around Mary, Martha and Lazarus and the following scripture:
“Then Jesus said, ‘Did I not tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?’” John 11:40
I see myself in the words that Micca uses about her own feelings of loss and hurt. Again, I didn't look at God and say, " I knew it!" I just kind of...threw a fit. Oh, I know what a fit looks like. If you work with the 3 to 5 year olds long enough, you get to see the masters of fit throwing. Now, they know better...but they still do it. They have enough independence to make up their mind, enough selfishness to think it'll work and enough indignation to make it good. I don't say these things in a mean way. It's just the way little kids are, they're still learning about those things. (Ok, we are all still learning).
I sat in my comfy chair, crossed my arms and huffed and puffed. Of course, the house didn't fall down and the issue was still there. I lashed out a bit and kicked and screamed (emotionally that is) Then I remembered the love of my Father. You know, that God that is all loving and does all things out of love and for our good? Yeah. So, I take my unhappy and sit with it and look at it. What am I really mad about? What do I need to do to be unmad? And what is God refining out of me? *grumble grumble grumble*
If I just believe, if I turn these things over to Him, I will see the glory of God. Just like Mary and Martha were hurt, they were down right angry with Jesus. He said He loved them and didn't come right away when He got word that Lazarus was sick! Oh, can you imagine the womanly seething that happened? But, then He shows up and raises Lazarus...showing the glory of God and doing it all with a loving and gentle hand. I would have felt really dumb at all my anger at that point. "oh...you had a plan! This was all for a good reason...well shoot." Yeah, this control freak would have walked away with her tail between her legs for sure!
God pulls us into His arms and does not let go while we walk through the valleys of life. He's there at the top of the mountain and walking through the muck in the valley. The events that made me mad, they're just one more of those times that I need to lean on my understanding that God is doing something. I don't need to or GET to know what.
Abba, thanks for loving me. Help me to lean on you and trust that what you're doing is what needs to be done, even if I don't really get what's happening. Amen.
What fires have you walked through lately ? :)
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