Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Anger Management

My gmail skin is red right now. Kind of appropriate. Matches the mood. Though not in the angry kind of way. In the "if I could just throw up right now, maybe the world would be ok" kind of way. Though I don't want to puke the brownie I just had. But I shouldn't have had it anyway right? I didn't need it...it's not necessary. I should have said no. I should have opened my Bible instead.

I want to puke. My stomach has felt this way for a while now. I thought I was getting better. I really was trying to be a duck. I swear. Really was under the impression that I had made big permanent changes. Tonight, I learned that I obviously have not.

How can I do things when I have no choices? I really...

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

That was not as cathartic as it should have been. Then again it's 11:11 and if I really did that, the way that would be cathartic, I'd wake people up and probably get in a bit of trouble for it. So, instead...I type it. Wishing that I could scream until I were hoarse and cry until my tear ducts dry out. But I can't.

I can't even express the anguish I feel right now. For many reasons...not only was I stupid, making stupid choices and doing stupid things...but I also found out some disturbing things about the way I am viewed...especially now.

God!!! Change me please? Please?!?!?! I can't do this. I just can't be like this anymore. I need to change, I want to change. I need help!

The only things I hear in my head are how horrible I really actually am. How many people probably see me and how people should not have to be exposed to me. Who hammered that last nail into my coffin? I did. I used to think that maybe, just maybe, if I smiled enough...I could make my demons go away.

I can't sleep, I don't want to be awake and all I can do at this point is sit here.

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